May 10, 2021

Here’s why you should wait to have sex -- if you want a relationship.

What do we want to do when we are attracted to someone, interested in them, and enjoying their company? Connect. Feel them, hold them, be held by them. In an effort to get closer to someone, we think that the natural thing to do is become physically intimate with them. Or we don’t think, and poof! It just happens. The desire to connect overtakes us, anddddd you just slept with your best friend / roommate / some person from Tinder who could be a serial killer. 


If you are dating casually or looking to “have fun,” it is not for me to tell you if or when you should or should not sleep with someone. I wouldn’t personally recommend it (for reasons we can explore in a different Blog post), but this is a personal decision that you have to make based on your own value set. 


Now, if you are looking for a serious relationship, then I can tell you unequivocally that you absolutely should wait and get to know someone on a deep, non-physical level before you become intimate. And by the way, that doesn’t mean you wait just to have sex. It means you wait for all of it. Physical intimacy includes any form of getting naked. Whether it’s first base, second, third, home run --  it’s all the same. Getting physical is getting physical.


As a Professional Dating & Relationship Coach, I see so many wonderful would-be relationships get ruined by two people rushing into intimacy. It is usually well-intentioned, but the end result is almost always a premature death to an otherwise promising relationship. If you move too quickly in the bedroom with someone, you can almost certainly expect one of several things to happen: 


  1. One or both people lose interest. Although we want to connect, sex without an emotional connection is actually a very disconnected experience. One or both people got what they wanted, and that was that. The end. There was no real emotional connection to begin with, so there is nothing holding the relationship together. 


  1. One person is catching feelings while the other one is catching an Uber outta there. Self-explanatory problem. How to avoid this? Wait to be intimate. Even if you talk before and discuss your “intentions,” there is no predicting how someone is going to feel after all of those bonding chemicals are released. 


  1. Physical intimacy, rather than real intimacy, becomes the focus of the relationship. When you get physical too quickly, this person you were once interested in becomes a friend-with-benefits. That is not a relationship and not what you came for. Instead of getting to know each other’s mind, heart, and soul, you’re getting to know each other’s bodies. This must come later if you want something lasting and real. Being physical cannot catapult you into a relationship; emotional intimacy always has to precede physical intimacy. 


Yes, I know you have that one friend who slept with her dude on the first date and they ended up getting married and having beautiful children. Mazal Tov. I know a couple like that too. I can tell you that these cases are a tiny minority. Assume that is not going to be your destiny. 


So, exactly how long should you wait? 


Until there is a commitment. That can be an exclusively-dating commitment or an official-relationship commitment. In order to have that type of commitment, you need time. That commitment could come after one month, two months, three months...it depends how often you’re seeing each other and how deep your conversations are. Honestly, if you are looking for a serious relationship, the longer the better. One thing is for sure: commitment doesn’t happen after one coffee date or one week of texting. So don’t even try to fool me with that. 


The next time you become interested in someone whom you see as relationship material, keep this advice close and keep your head on straight. Remind yourself of what you are really looking for. You may regret ruining a potentially great relationship by moving too quickly, but you’ll never regret delaying instant gratification in service of long-term fulfillment.  


Kevin from the Keys Team 

Professional Dating & Relationship Coach


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